Tag Archives: spiritual growth

Who Do We Think We are?

More and more, I am seeing that our self-identities may be our destinies. When we are young, we believe we are invincible, that life has no boundaries, and that our futures have no strings. But our identities harden around the edges as we make choices and begin to shape the way we live. That is a good thing. We need structure to accomplish anything. We need a foundation to build on. We need a circle of support.

But I’ve learned something from clients whose lives have been so structured, their identities so bound up with their roles, that, when they lose those roles, they become paralyzed. Some are people whose careers have ended through lay-off, down-sizing, or retirement. Some are parents who feel useless now that their children have left. It’s normal to feel the pain of loss in those circumstances.  What is not healthy is to have become so enmeshed in those roles that they can’t move beyond them.

These are the clients that, when I ask them what they enjoy now, they say “nothing”. When I ask what interests them, they say “nothing.” When I ask what new topics they might want to learn about, what places would be fun to explore, they say “none.” They’ve had a one-note song, and the song has ended. I realize it is often depression and loss talking, but because their lives have been so narrow, they are unable to move beyond this state. They remain in a sarcophagus of grief and stagnation, often for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

So, who do we think we are? The best accountant, or nurse? A terrific parent, or electrician? Wonderful! But is that the only way we see ourselves? A single possible role? Then living that one-dimensional life will be devastating when our situation changes. So…, right now, today, we can take up a hobby or join a club or become a gardener, a runner, a scholar, a gourmet cook. We can wear a handful of hats. A closet full. This is mental preventive medicine–a lesson I’ve learned from my clients.

 

How the Worst Can Make You Your Best

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A brief article by Jim Rendon in the August 3, 2015 issue of Time magazine, titled “How trauma can change lives for the better,” stated that an estimated 75% of us will experience a traumatic event at some point. Those events inevitably  will cause pain and suffering. But in the 1990s, two psychologists (Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun) interviewed 600 survivors and were intrigued to find that, after the pain, many said their lives changed for the better. They reoriented themselves, adopted different perspectives, changed their goals. The psychologists named this phenomenon “posttraumatic growth.”

I have had the privilege to witness this type of growth in many of my clients. It’s exciting to watch victims devastated by rape, sexual abuse, loss, and illness move past the trauma and become more than just survivors. They become transcenders. I have seen a mother who had been a petty criminal spearhead an annual drive to provide books for needy children after the death of her three-year-old son.  I’ve watched clients bearing scars from early abuse become counselors, nurses, and volunteers. Then there is the client who nearly died in a recent motor vehicle accident, and another who was in a coma for almost a month after her car was struck by a semi. Both of these individuals had struggled with chronic depression. Now, although they suffer residual limitations from their injuries, each has moved beyond depression to become more active in the community, more giving of themselves, more enthusiastic about life.

As Jim Rendon writes, “Growth begins with healing from trauma. But people have the capacity to do far more than just heal. Ultimately, they can become better versions of themselves.”