I’ve worked with many couples and families as they struggled through discontent, misunderstandings, and outright breaches of trust. Some are able to reconnect, while others have built walls so high they can’t ever see eye-to-eye. One thing I’ve observed within successful couples and families is appreciation for each other.

I’m working now with a young couple facing financial difficulties. Admittedly, money problems lay the groundwork for major battles. But what pours gasoline on the fire for this family is their style of interaction, which vacillates between heated accusations and cold-shoulder silence. When I challenge them to mention something positive about each other, the response may start out well, but quickly dissolves into an insult. Perhaps we all have a tendency to do this to a lesser degree with those closest to us. For example, “I’m glad you cleaned out the garage, but it took you long enough to get to it.” “Thanks for vacuuming, but you missed a spot.”

Even worse are the couples who say, “Why should I thank him/her for (fill in blank)? It’s his/her job. I shouldn’t have to say thanks.” That kind of thinking reminds me of the quote from that old movie Love Story. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” NO. Love means that it’s even more important to say Sorry. And Thank you. And to express your appreciation for each other many times a day.

Everything is fodder for an appreciative comment: Thank you for making the bed everyday. That color brings out your eyes. Supper was delicious. That outfit looks terrific on you. You had a long day at work–why don’t you rest a few minutes? Thanks for keeping the bird feeders full. I admire your ability to organize. You’re so good at (fill in the blank).

Instead of assuming that the hamper, the coffee maker, the refrigerator and stove, the lawn mower, the bank account, the trash can are all magic, let’s be more aware of what our family members contribute. Make sure they know we notice. Remember, and remark on, the characteristics that attracted us to our spouses initially. (Our close friends, too, actually.) When we do this, we’re creating a relationship foundation strong enough to weather just about any storm.