Tag Archives: healing

More on Hypnotherapy

I have written previously about the healing power of hypnotherapy regarding smoking cessation, post-surgery recouperation, and anxiety reduction. However, I have not touched on the spiritual growth that I have seen. These cases have been, perhaps, the most amazing of all. In fact, they are so transformative that I am moving more and more toward focusing my practice in this direction.

One example was a client who was extremely depressed. Let’s call her Dianne. She felt completely alienated from God. Completely rejected. I cannot say which came first, but the more depressed she felt, the more alienated she felt, and the more alienated, the more depressed. She spent much of her time crying, she was mean-spirited toward others, and she had little motivation and no energy to accomplish anything. In fact, she missed many of her therapy appointments because she couldn’t get out of bed and get dressed.

We explored many treatment modalities, and as a last resort, she agreed to hypnotherapy. The prospect of hypnotherapy had made her a little nervous, but, when nothing else worked, she hesitantly agreed. She entered a meditative state rather quickly. I guided her to approach the deepest part of her psyche and say a prayer asking for God to love and accept her. I did not pray for her or over her. Beyond helping her reach a trance state, I did not interfere. It was important that she approach her own image of God in her own way.

I always support whatever beliefs a client brings into the session. Most are Judeo-Christian, but I have worked with practitioners of Buddhism, Hinduism, earth religions, Celtic religions, and Native American beliefs, among others.

At first during hypnosis, Diane felt rebuffed, but when she realized that it was her own feelings of unworthiness that were getting in her way, she tried again. This time, she felt herself lifted up by God. Hugged. Held within his arms. Tears of joy streamed down her face as she left the trance state, and she could barely speak through her emotions.

She left my office feeling loved, loving, and loveable. It was not a “magic” cure. Diane continued to struggle against her maladaptive behaviors, but now she had the energy to work on them. She felt changed by the experience. And her changes touched me and others who knew her. Thank you, Diane.

THE AFTERMATH OF A RELATIONSHIP

When someone we love ends the relationship, we are cut to the heart. We are emptied out of joy, filled with pain, and robbed of the future we had planned. Often, we respond by pressuring the partner to return. Or by seeking revenge. Or by replaying and replaying the last times together as though we can make them turn out differently. We lash out in anger, or we crumble onto the couch and sink into despair.

This is grieving. The end of the relationship is a kind of death, and the grief is real and appropriate. But almost no relationships are true failures, and, as the acute phase passes, we can learn from even the worst of them. We know what red flags to look for, what we need from a partner, and what characteristics we will never be able to tolerate.

But to truly grow, let us look in the mirror. I have worked with clients, both men and women, who have said, “I want to work on myself now.” When I ask how they will do that, or what that means, they don’t know. Or they begin a list of the ex-partner’s faults, or they plot ways to get back to, or back at, the ex. This may give them immediate pleasure, but it does nothing to help in the long run.

Over the years, based on what my clients tell me, I have put together this list of questions that helps to develop insight:

  1. Did I really listen to my partner? Not just hear words, but listen to the feelings beneath the words. Did I try to grasp the depth of my partner’s feelings about this?
  2. Did I ever compromise? Was I willing to go out of my comfort zone for the sake of my partner? Was I willing to give in when something was just too uncomfortable for them?
  3. Did I tend to fuel conflicts? Did I insist on standing my ground when a Time Out or a kind word could have ended the conflict? Could I have done anything differently even before the argument started?
  4. Do I have any regrets about how I handled this or that incident? Having not a single regret means that we are unable to acknowledge our part in the conflicts. Without acknowledgement, there can be no growth.

Actually, it isn’t necessary to wait until a break-up to ask ourselves these questions. I find it helpful to check-in with ourselves periodically so that our current relationships remain healthy and we continually grow our emotional IQ. Good friends and partners will be drawn to good friends and partners. That is how it works.

In future posts, I will talk further about what I have learned on each of these topics and how to use them as a starting point for growth.

Family Tapestries

I just finished reading The Art of Mending by Elizabeth Berg. I find that novels often tell the truth in a way that textbooks can’t. What I liked about this story was the way it demonstrated the fact that no two of us are raised in the same family–even siblings. Ms. Berg’s novel centers around the vastly different perspectives that a brother and two sisters have on the atmosphere of their childhood home. The book takes the reader down an uncertain path, a guessing game of which sibling is telling the truth, to the final pages of, not just a revelation, but a healing and cleansing. I am deliberately vague here, because I encourage those who are drawn to stories of family dynamics to read this novel without any spoilers.

The novel recalled for me the concept of “the looking-glass self,” a term coined by social psychologist Charles Horton Cooley in 1902. The theory proposes that we shape our self-concepts based on how we think we are perceived by others–especially family members. If we are labeled (especially by a parent) as “the shy one,” “the fussy one,” “the brainy one,” “the plump one,”  “the athletic one,” the pretty one”, then our role in the family is far different from that of our siblings, and, therefore, our family experience is different. Worse, we are likely to buy into those labels and put ourselves in boxes for years. But only if we allow that to happen.

It is exciting to see clients who had come into my office with such low opinions of themselves that they couldn’t even look me in the eye begin to build positive self-images, to discover gifts and talents and psychological muscle. It is not an easy process, or a quick one, but step by step the client grows toward the sun. Like the recluse who became a social leader, the frightened abuse survivor who became a spokeswoman, the slow learner who enrolled in college, the addict who earned a graduate degree. Everyone of these and many more came into the office with a negative label. Everyone of them found the courage to toss it away.

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do We Appreciate?

I’ve worked with many couples and families as they struggled through discontent, misunderstandings, and outright breaches of trust. Some are able to reconnect, while others have built walls so high they can’t ever see eye-to-eye. One thing I’ve observed within successful couples and families is appreciation for each other.

I’m working now with a young couple facing financial difficulties. Admittedly, money problems lay the groundwork for major battles. But what pours gasoline on the fire for this family is their style of interaction, which vacillates between heated accusations and cold-shoulder silence. When I challenge them to mention something positive about each other, the response may start out well, but quickly dissolves into an insult. Perhaps we all have a tendency to do this to a lesser degree with those closest to us. For example, “I’m glad you cleaned out the garage, but it took you long enough to get to it.” “Thanks for vacuuming, but you missed a spot.”

Even worse are the couples who say, “Why should I thank him/her for (fill in blank)? It’s his/her job. I shouldn’t have to say thanks.” That kind of thinking reminds me of the quote from that old movie Love Story. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” NO. Love means that it’s even more important to say Sorry. And Thank you. And to express your appreciation for each other many times a day.

Everything is fodder for an appreciative comment: Thank you for making the bed everyday. That color brings out your eyes. Supper was delicious. That outfit looks terrific on you. You had a long day at work–why don’t you rest a few minutes? Thanks for keeping the bird feeders full. I admire your ability to organize. You’re so good at (fill in the blank).

Instead of assuming that the hamper, the coffee maker, the refrigerator and stove, the lawn mower, the bank account, the trash can are all magic, let’s be more aware of what our family members contribute. Make sure they know we notice. Remember, and remark on, the characteristics that attracted us to our spouses initially. (Our close friends, too, actually.) When we do this, we’re creating a relationship foundation strong enough to weather just about any storm.

 

 

On Bullying

Recently on Facebook ads, I’ve been badgered with pleas to purchase a tool called “How to Teach Your Children Not to Be Bullies, and How to Teach Them to Not Just Stand By and Watch.” I’m certain that isn’t the verbatim title, but you get the gist. My immediate thought is that the most effective way to teach our children about bullying is by the way we respond to bullies. If we applaud them, our children will. If we turn away when the weak and vulnerable are being taken advantage of or maligned or mistreated, that’s what our children will see as the appropriate response. Kids are not stupid. They won’t believe what a person says if they see him or her doing something different. If we want our children to be kind and merciful and considerate, or, at the least, tolerant, then we must be also.

It has been disturbing to see that bullying was such an intrinsic part of the recent presidential campaign. Have we proven to the youngest generation that bullying is the path to enormous power? I hope not. Let us hope, instead, that, as the dust settles, we will see that goodness, kindness, and cooperation are what makes a nation great. Everyone of us has a chance to be a part of that movement.

1925. The Tri-State Tornado

img_0200

I have been researching the 1925 record-breaking tornado that leveled numerous small towns and killed over 600 people across Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana. That tornado still holds the record for death toll, time on the ground, and distance traveled. One factor that contributed to the terror felt by the communities was that there was no warning except for the dark clouds they noted in the southwest. No time to get to safety. Weather services were not equipped to predict the path of tornadoes  at that time. In fact, tornadoes were so unpredictable that weather services were not permitted to use that term because of the panic it might incite.

My interest in this storm was piqued by having had the privilege of talking to several survivors at one of the nursing facilities where I am a consultant. The stories of loss are heartbreaking, but the determination and courage shown by the survivors is inspiring. It is difficult to imagine losing every possession, one’s home, or several children within a matter of minutes. Many of the victims were trapped in basements, crushed beneath heavy objects, burned to death as coal stoves fell and timbers ignited. Clean-up included, not just pulling the rubble aside and rebuilding, but also searching for and identifying the bodies of loved ones, binding the wounds of the injured.

I am writing a work of fiction based on the experiences I’ve heard or read about relating to that tragic event. I hope to show the depth and extent of the devastation felt in the communities. But my focus will be on the way the destruction may have changed the survivors, and on their ability to find the will to mend and move forward.

 

 

Who Do We Think We are?

More and more, I am seeing that our self-identities may be our destinies. When we are young, we believe we are invincible, that life has no boundaries, and that our futures have no strings. But our identities harden around the edges as we make choices and begin to shape the way we live. That is a good thing. We need structure to accomplish anything. We need a foundation to build on. We need a circle of support.

But I’ve learned something from clients whose lives have been so structured, their identities so bound up with their roles, that, when they lose those roles, they become paralyzed. Some are people whose careers have ended through lay-off, down-sizing, or retirement. Some are parents who feel useless now that their children have left. It’s normal to feel the pain of loss in those circumstances.  What is not healthy is to have become so enmeshed in those roles that they can’t move beyond them.

These are the clients that, when I ask them what they enjoy now, they say “nothing”. When I ask what interests them, they say “nothing.” When I ask what new topics they might want to learn about, what places would be fun to explore, they say “none.” They’ve had a one-note song, and the song has ended. I realize it is often depression and loss talking, but because their lives have been so narrow, they are unable to move beyond this state. They remain in a sarcophagus of grief and stagnation, often for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

So, who do we think we are? The best accountant, or nurse? A terrific parent, or electrician? Wonderful! But is that the only way we see ourselves? A single possible role? Then living that one-dimensional life will be devastating when our situation changes. So…, right now, today, we can take up a hobby or join a club or become a gardener, a runner, a scholar, a gourmet cook. We can wear a handful of hats. A closet full. This is mental preventive medicine–a lesson I’ve learned from my clients.

 

How the Worst Can Make You Your Best

HPIM0355

A brief article by Jim Rendon in the August 3, 2015 issue of Time magazine, titled “How trauma can change lives for the better,” stated that an estimated 75% of us will experience a traumatic event at some point. Those events inevitably  will cause pain and suffering. But in the 1990s, two psychologists (Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun) interviewed 600 survivors and were intrigued to find that, after the pain, many said their lives changed for the better. They reoriented themselves, adopted different perspectives, changed their goals. The psychologists named this phenomenon “posttraumatic growth.”

I have had the privilege to witness this type of growth in many of my clients. It’s exciting to watch victims devastated by rape, sexual abuse, loss, and illness move past the trauma and become more than just survivors. They become transcenders. I have seen a mother who had been a petty criminal spearhead an annual drive to provide books for needy children after the death of her three-year-old son.  I’ve watched clients bearing scars from early abuse become counselors, nurses, and volunteers. Then there is the client who nearly died in a recent motor vehicle accident, and another who was in a coma for almost a month after her car was struck by a semi. Both of these individuals had struggled with chronic depression. Now, although they suffer residual limitations from their injuries, each has moved beyond depression to become more active in the community, more giving of themselves, more enthusiastic about life.

As Jim Rendon writes, “Growth begins with healing from trauma. But people have the capacity to do far more than just heal. Ultimately, they can become better versions of themselves.”