Tag Archives: family relationships

Listen

Years ago, a client gave me a worry stone inscribed with the word, “Listen.” I thought it was an admonishment, and felt a lurch of guilt. But she quickly said, “I chose this because this is what you do. You really listen to what I say.”

But the fact is, listening, true listening, is very hard. It requires putting aside your own ego, your preconceived assumptions, and hearing what is said. Try as I might, I find it impossible to do this right every time. But we can catch ourselves when we go off track, and return to hearing what our comrade, whether it’s a friend, a client, or a partner, is actually telling us.

Some of us are born problem-solvers. As soon as someone relates a problem, we are right there with a dozen solutions. If only they would just do what we say! Even when we batter them with all the reasons we are right, they are just too stubborn to take our advice! They get mad when all we want to do is help.

This is one of the most common complaints I hear about communication among couples or family members. “Every time I talk about something that happened at (fill in the blank), my partner jumps right in and tells me what I am doing wrong. How I can manage it better. What I should have done instead. All I want is for them to hear me. Just be there and support me.” Rarely does the person venting want advice unless they specifically ask for it.” Instant advice sounds like we are dismissing their concerns. Or denying their ability to manage the issue on their own.

The best support we can offer is to provide consensus, to acknowledge their distress. Saying, “I hear you.” “I can tell this upsets you.” “I understand.” “This sounds very frustrating for you,” may be all they need. A hug, a pat on the shoulder, sitting together quietly, may suffice. And if they want suggestions later, they will ask. Otherwise, if we truly want to keep the relationship solid, we need to keep our fantastic solutions to ourselves, no matter how brilliant we are.

THE AFTERMATH OF A RELATIONSHIP

When someone we love ends the relationship, we are cut to the heart. We are emptied out of joy, filled with pain, and robbed of the future we had planned. Often, we respond by pressuring the partner to return. Or by seeking revenge. Or by replaying and replaying the last times together as though we can make them turn out differently. We lash out in anger, or we crumble onto the couch and sink into despair.

This is grieving. The end of the relationship is a kind of death, and the grief is real and appropriate. But almost no relationships are true failures, and, as the acute phase passes, we can learn from even the worst of them. We know what red flags to look for, what we need from a partner, and what characteristics we will never be able to tolerate.

But to truly grow, let us look in the mirror. I have worked with clients, both men and women, who have said, “I want to work on myself now.” When I ask how they will do that, or what that means, they don’t know. Or they begin a list of the ex-partner’s faults, or they plot ways to get back to, or back at, the ex. This may give them immediate pleasure, but it does nothing to help in the long run.

Over the years, based on what my clients tell me, I have put together this list of questions that helps to develop insight:

  1. Did I really listen to my partner? Not just hear words, but listen to the feelings beneath the words. Did I try to grasp the depth of my partner’s feelings about this?
  2. Did I ever compromise? Was I willing to go out of my comfort zone for the sake of my partner? Was I willing to give in when something was just too uncomfortable for them?
  3. Did I tend to fuel conflicts? Did I insist on standing my ground when a Time Out or a kind word could have ended the conflict? Could I have done anything differently even before the argument started?
  4. Do I have any regrets about how I handled this or that incident? Having not a single regret means that we are unable to acknowledge our part in the conflicts. Without acknowledgement, there can be no growth.

Actually, it isn’t necessary to wait until a break-up to ask ourselves these questions. I find it helpful to check-in with ourselves periodically so that our current relationships remain healthy and we continually grow our emotional IQ. Good friends and partners will be drawn to good friends and partners. That is how it works.

In future posts, I will talk further about what I have learned on each of these topics and how to use them as a starting point for growth.

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do We Appreciate?

I’ve worked with many couples and families as they struggled through discontent, misunderstandings, and outright breaches of trust. Some are able to reconnect, while others have built walls so high they can’t ever see eye-to-eye. One thing I’ve observed within successful couples and families is appreciation for each other.

I’m working now with a young couple facing financial difficulties. Admittedly, money problems lay the groundwork for major battles. But what pours gasoline on the fire for this family is their style of interaction, which vacillates between heated accusations and cold-shoulder silence. When I challenge them to mention something positive about each other, the response may start out well, but quickly dissolves into an insult. Perhaps we all have a tendency to do this to a lesser degree with those closest to us. For example, “I’m glad you cleaned out the garage, but it took you long enough to get to it.” “Thanks for vacuuming, but you missed a spot.”

Even worse are the couples who say, “Why should I thank him/her for (fill in blank)? It’s his/her job. I shouldn’t have to say thanks.” That kind of thinking reminds me of the quote from that old movie Love Story. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” NO. Love means that it’s even more important to say Sorry. And Thank you. And to express your appreciation for each other many times a day.

Everything is fodder for an appreciative comment: Thank you for making the bed everyday. That color brings out your eyes. Supper was delicious. That outfit looks terrific on you. You had a long day at work–why don’t you rest a few minutes? Thanks for keeping the bird feeders full. I admire your ability to organize. You’re so good at (fill in the blank).

Instead of assuming that the hamper, the coffee maker, the refrigerator and stove, the lawn mower, the bank account, the trash can are all magic, let’s be more aware of what our family members contribute. Make sure they know we notice. Remember, and remark on, the characteristics that attracted us to our spouses initially. (Our close friends, too, actually.) When we do this, we’re creating a relationship foundation strong enough to weather just about any storm.

 

 

Family Matters

Mothers’ Day. Fathers’ Day. Fourth of July reunions. These summer celebrations stir up childhood memories–some wonderful, some not so good. This stirring up can lead to altercations, depressive episodes, and the resurfacing of old accusations. Add alcohol, and some family gatherings end up in fistfights and arrests. Many, many people have pasts filled with hurt, but harboring anger, no matter how justified, is not the best strategy.

The most resilient among us have found ways to forgive the past and celebrate the present. That doesn’t mean they’ve said “That’s all right” to any traumatic experiences. It doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten or that they’ve shoved their feelings into a locked box. Real forgiveness cannot occur in such situations because the traumatized individual continues to feel victimized and weak.

Forgiveness comes from a position of power within, and it is a privilege to witness this spiritual and psychological muscle develop in those I work with. Some have re-established relationships with their formerly abusive parents, even to the point of becoming caregivers. Others have assertively set boundaries or completely cut contact with family members who continue to trigger hurtful memories or even persist in inflicting pain. Any of these choices can be the right one.

These paths signify forgiveness in that the message given is “I have moved on. I will not have my life controlled any longer by old memories or negative emotions. I am no longer consumed by anger or fear or hurt. I no longer harbor the toxins of grudges, ill-will, and vengeance.”  The compulsion to waste precious energy on spewing venom or wishing the worst toward old abusers is gone, which is forgiveness. And the release of that negativity is a terrific gift to give ourselves.