Tag Archives: families

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do We Appreciate?

I’ve worked with many couples and families as they struggled through discontent, misunderstandings, and outright breaches of trust. Some are able to reconnect, while others have built walls so high they can’t ever see eye-to-eye. One thing I’ve observed within successful couples and families is appreciation for each other.

I’m working now with a young couple facing financial difficulties. Admittedly, money problems lay the groundwork for major battles. But what pours gasoline on the fire for this family is their style of interaction, which vacillates between heated accusations and cold-shoulder silence. When I challenge them to mention something positive about each other, the response may start out well, but quickly dissolves into an insult. Perhaps we all have a tendency to do this to a lesser degree with those closest to us. For example, “I’m glad you cleaned out the garage, but it took you long enough to get to it.” “Thanks for vacuuming, but you missed a spot.”

Even worse are the couples who say, “Why should I thank him/her for (fill in blank)? It’s his/her job. I shouldn’t have to say thanks.” That kind of thinking reminds me of the quote from that old movie Love Story. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” NO. Love means that it’s even more important to say Sorry. And Thank you. And to express your appreciation for each other many times a day.

Everything is fodder for an appreciative comment: Thank you for making the bed everyday. That color brings out your eyes. Supper was delicious. That outfit looks terrific on you. You had a long day at work–why don’t you rest a few minutes? Thanks for keeping the bird feeders full. I admire your ability to organize. You’re so good at (fill in the blank).

Instead of assuming that the hamper, the coffee maker, the refrigerator and stove, the lawn mower, the bank account, the trash can are all magic, let’s be more aware of what our family members contribute. Make sure they know we notice. Remember, and remark on, the characteristics that attracted us to our spouses initially. (Our close friends, too, actually.) When we do this, we’re creating a relationship foundation strong enough to weather just about any storm.

 

 

1925. The Tri-State Tornado

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I have been researching the 1925 record-breaking tornado that leveled numerous small towns and killed over 600 people across Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana. That tornado still holds the record for death toll, time on the ground, and distance traveled. One factor that contributed to the terror felt by the communities was that there was no warning except for the dark clouds they noted in the southwest. No time to get to safety. Weather services were not equipped to predict the path of tornadoes  at that time. In fact, tornadoes were so unpredictable that weather services were not permitted to use that term because of the panic it might incite.

My interest in this storm was piqued by having had the privilege of talking to several survivors at one of the nursing facilities where I am a consultant. The stories of loss are heartbreaking, but the determination and courage shown by the survivors is inspiring. It is difficult to imagine losing every possession, one’s home, or several children within a matter of minutes. Many of the victims were trapped in basements, crushed beneath heavy objects, burned to death as coal stoves fell and timbers ignited. Clean-up included, not just pulling the rubble aside and rebuilding, but also searching for and identifying the bodies of loved ones, binding the wounds of the injured.

I am writing a work of fiction based on the experiences I’ve heard or read about relating to that tragic event. I hope to show the depth and extent of the devastation felt in the communities. But my focus will be on the way the destruction may have changed the survivors, and on their ability to find the will to mend and move forward.

 

 

A Perfect Storm

We are creating a perfect storm for tragedy. We have woefully inadequate mental health care and unlimited access to weapons. When I read of shooters described as mentally ill, I imagine the public spewing venom about the idiotic psychologist who failed to hospitalize the patient in time to prevent the shooting. So, I am on my soap box to say, “Easier said than done.”

Mental health professionals may press for more intense treatment, but insurance companies often resist covering the treatment of mentally ill individuals, and they certainly don’t want to foot the bill for lengthy hospitalizations. On numerous occasions, I have attempted to have a patient in active psychosis admitted, only to be told they “don’t meet the criteria.” As recently as two weeks ago, we sent a potentially dangerous patient to the ER. She was given a Prozac and sent home. Her family was able to help her safely through her episode, but it might have ended differently. There is an acute need for the revamping of the mental health system. The current practice of waiting until after a tragic event, and then imprisoning the person, or burying them, isn’t working.

What scares me the most, however, is the number of people I know of with explosive disorders, anger issues, and personality problems that have stock-piled, yes, literally stock-piled, weapons. What will it take for someone like this to slip over the edge and kill himself or someone else? And this isn’t taking into account the mood swings and impulsivity of young people. In 2010, more than 1,900 kids between the ages of 5 and 19 committed suicide with a firearm. Where do we think they got those guns? Further, eighty-five percent of suicide attempts with a gun are successful, as opposed to one to two percent with, say, wrist-slashing. We need to be more aware of depression in teens, work to get hospitals to admit severely depressed people, and do whatever is needed to protect our youths from themselves. Some gun-owning parents with children suffering from depression have actually, gasp!, removed firearms from their homes.

There is a lot of work to be done at the juxtaposition of mental health and criminal law. Let’s push for real progress.