Years ago, a client gave me a worry stone inscribed with the word, “Listen.” I thought it was an admonishment, and felt a lurch of guilt. But she quickly said, “I chose this because this is what you do. You really listen to what I say.”

But the fact is, listening, true listening, is very hard. It requires putting aside your own ego, your preconceived assumptions, and hearing what is said. Try as I might, I find it impossible to do this right every time. But we can catch ourselves when we go off track, and return to hearing what our comrade, whether it’s a friend, a client, or a partner, is actually telling us.

Some of us are born problem-solvers. As soon as someone relates a problem, we are right there with a dozen solutions. If only they would just do what we say! Even when we batter them with all the reasons we are right, they are just too stubborn to take our advice! They get mad when all we want to do is help.

This is one of the most common complaints I hear about communication among couples or family members. “Every time I talk about something that happened at (fill in the blank), my partner jumps right in and tells me what I am doing wrong. How I can manage it better. What I should have done instead. All I want is for them to hear me. Just be there and support me.” Rarely does the person venting want advice unless they specifically ask for it.” Instant advice sounds like we are dismissing their concerns. Or denying their ability to manage the issue on their own.

The best support we can offer is to provide consensus, to acknowledge their distress. Saying, “I hear you.” “I can tell this upsets you.” “I understand.” “This sounds very frustrating for you,” may be all they need. A hug, a pat on the shoulder, sitting together quietly, may suffice. And if they want suggestions later, they will ask. Otherwise, if we truly want to keep the relationship solid, we need to keep our fantastic solutions to ourselves, no matter how brilliant we are.