Category Archives: Just Thinking…

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do We Appreciate?

I’ve worked with many couples and families as they struggled through discontent, misunderstandings, and outright breaches of trust. Some are able to reconnect, while others have built walls so high they can’t ever see eye-to-eye. One thing I’ve observed within successful couples and families is appreciation for each other.

I’m working now with a young couple facing financial difficulties. Admittedly, money problems lay the groundwork for major battles. But what pours gasoline on the fire for this family is their style of interaction, which vacillates between heated accusations and cold-shoulder silence. When I challenge them to mention something positive about each other, the response may start out well, but quickly dissolves into an insult. Perhaps we all have a tendency to do this to a lesser degree with those closest to us. For example, “I’m glad you cleaned out the garage, but it took you long enough to get to it.” “Thanks for vacuuming, but you missed a spot.”

Even worse are the couples who say, “Why should I thank him/her for (fill in blank)? It’s his/her job. I shouldn’t have to say thanks.” That kind of thinking reminds me of the quote from that old movie Love Story. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” NO. Love means that it’s even more important to say Sorry. And Thank you. And to express your appreciation for each other many times a day.

Everything is fodder for an appreciative comment: Thank you for making the bed everyday. That color brings out your eyes. Supper was delicious. That outfit looks terrific on you. You had a long day at work–why don’t you rest a few minutes? Thanks for keeping the bird feeders full. I admire your ability to organize. You’re so good at (fill in the blank).

Instead of assuming that the hamper, the coffee maker, the refrigerator and stove, the lawn mower, the bank account, the trash can are all magic, let’s be more aware of what our family members contribute. Make sure they know we notice. Remember, and remark on, the characteristics that attracted us to our spouses initially. (Our close friends, too, actually.) When we do this, we’re creating a relationship foundation strong enough to weather just about any storm.

 

 

On Bullying

Recently on Facebook ads, I’ve been badgered with pleas to purchase a tool called “How to Teach Your Children Not to Be Bullies, and How to Teach Them to Not Just Stand By and Watch.” I’m certain that isn’t the verbatim title, but you get the gist. My immediate thought is that the most effective way to teach our children about bullying is by the way we respond to bullies. If we applaud them, our children will. If we turn away when the weak and vulnerable are being taken advantage of or maligned or mistreated, that’s what our children will see as the appropriate response. Kids are not stupid. They won’t believe what a person says if they see him or her doing something different. If we want our children to be kind and merciful and considerate, or, at the least, tolerant, then we must be also.

It has been disturbing to see that bullying was such an intrinsic part of the recent presidential campaign. Have we proven to the youngest generation that bullying is the path to enormous power? I hope not. Let us hope, instead, that, as the dust settles, we will see that goodness, kindness, and cooperation are what makes a nation great. Everyone of us has a chance to be a part of that movement.

Kudos to Blue Bloods

How insightful for the most recent episode of the TV show Blue Bloods to include a situation that is so relevant to our mental health system. One of the storylines focused on a dangerously disturbed young man who was refused hospitalization because he “didn’t meet the criteria.” He then attacked his ex-girlfriend and killed her. Yes, this was entertainment. Just a TV show. But it was such an accurate depiction of what often happens when someone presents at the ER, that I applaud the writers for being astute enough to bring this to public attention.

A Perfect Storm

We are creating a perfect storm for tragedy. We have woefully inadequate mental health care and unlimited access to weapons. When I read of shooters described as mentally ill, I imagine the public spewing venom about the idiotic psychologist who failed to hospitalize the patient in time to prevent the shooting. So, I am on my soap box to say, “Easier said than done.”

Mental health professionals may press for more intense treatment, but insurance companies often resist covering the treatment of mentally ill individuals, and they certainly don’t want to foot the bill for lengthy hospitalizations. On numerous occasions, I have attempted to have a patient in active psychosis admitted, only to be told they “don’t meet the criteria.” As recently as two weeks ago, we sent a potentially dangerous patient to the ER. She was given a Prozac and sent home. Her family was able to help her safely through her episode, but it might have ended differently. There is an acute need for the revamping of the mental health system. The current practice of waiting until after a tragic event, and then imprisoning the person, or burying them, isn’t working.

What scares me the most, however, is the number of people I know of with explosive disorders, anger issues, and personality problems that have stock-piled, yes, literally stock-piled, weapons. What will it take for someone like this to slip over the edge and kill himself or someone else? And this isn’t taking into account the mood swings and impulsivity of young people. In 2010, more than 1,900 kids between the ages of 5 and 19 committed suicide with a firearm. Where do we think they got those guns? Further, eighty-five percent of suicide attempts with a gun are successful, as opposed to one to two percent with, say, wrist-slashing. We need to be more aware of depression in teens, work to get hospitals to admit severely depressed people, and do whatever is needed to protect our youths from themselves. Some gun-owning parents with children suffering from depression have actually, gasp!, removed firearms from their homes.

There is a lot of work to be done at the juxtaposition of mental health and criminal law. Let’s push for real progress.

Who Do We Think We are?

More and more, I am seeing that our self-identities may be our destinies. When we are young, we believe we are invincible, that life has no boundaries, and that our futures have no strings. But our identities harden around the edges as we make choices and begin to shape the way we live. That is a good thing. We need structure to accomplish anything. We need a foundation to build on. We need a circle of support.

But I’ve learned something from clients whose lives have been so structured, their identities so bound up with their roles, that, when they lose those roles, they become paralyzed. Some are people whose careers have ended through lay-off, down-sizing, or retirement. Some are parents who feel useless now that their children have left. It’s normal to feel the pain of loss in those circumstances.  What is not healthy is to have become so enmeshed in those roles that they can’t move beyond them.

These are the clients that, when I ask them what they enjoy now, they say “nothing”. When I ask what interests them, they say “nothing.” When I ask what new topics they might want to learn about, what places would be fun to explore, they say “none.” They’ve had a one-note song, and the song has ended. I realize it is often depression and loss talking, but because their lives have been so narrow, they are unable to move beyond this state. They remain in a sarcophagus of grief and stagnation, often for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

So, who do we think we are? The best accountant, or nurse? A terrific parent, or electrician? Wonderful! But is that the only way we see ourselves? A single possible role? Then living that one-dimensional life will be devastating when our situation changes. So…, right now, today, we can take up a hobby or join a club or become a gardener, a runner, a scholar, a gourmet cook. We can wear a handful of hats. A closet full. This is mental preventive medicine–a lesson I’ve learned from my clients.

 

Again We Grieve

IMG_0438Again our hearts are saddened by the tragedy in Orlando–the worst mass shooting in US history. Many on social media are using this tragedy to support their fight against stiffer gun control laws. They seem to be suggesting that, if all citizens had assault rifles, we would be safer from such incidents.

I have tried to imagine how that would play out. Should all of those victims at the club have been armed, hauling in their assault rifles and propping then against the bar as they talked and danced? Just in case? Or should they have locked them in their cars, hoping for the opportunity to race from the club, retrieve their weapons, and come back shooting? Should our children in the schools be issued assault weapons to keep at their desks, or should teachers simply have rifles ready to pass out like pencils or test booklets, if gunmen appear?  Are we to carry weapons instead of umbrellas when we shop? And how can we tell if the gun-toting shopper beside us is one of the good guys?

No matter how I play the scenarios in my head, I can’t imagine how any of the tragedies we have seen could have been prevented by vast hoards of citizens stockpiling implements of death. I know that there have been dozens, perhaps hundreds, of “explanations” of how this would help, but none make sense to me. Perhaps I am just too weapon-ignorant. But  of the real experts–parents and sisters and children who have lost loved ones to gun-wielding killers–not a single one says that the answer is more guns.

And so I applaud my client who had inherited a collection of guns that were family heirlooms. Several years ago, he realized that his mood swings might one day tempt him to do something that he could never take back. He immediately got rid of every weapon. He is remarkable for his courage, because courage is not based on how easily we could kill someone, or how big our stockpile of weapons is. Those are signs of insecurity. One of the most courageous actsIMG_0018 we can perform is taking a realistic look at ourselves, acknowledging our flaws, and making the best decisions possible. Even if they’re the hardest.

 

 

Expressing Our Sadness and Our Support for the Citizens of Paris, France

This email was forwarded to me by a friend and school psychologist. I think the sentiments expressed here say what we are all feeling in the aftermath of the recent deadly attacks in Paris.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Bethesda, MD—On behalf of our 25,000 members, the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) joins the nation in expressing our sadness and shock at the horrific acts of terrorism in Paris, France. Our thoughts go out to the French people and to everyone affected by this heartbreaking tragedy.

Intentional acts of violence that hurt innocent people are frightening and upsetting, particularly when they are accompanied by explicit threats of further harm. Modern media can make international events feel relevant and potentially threatening to children and youth here. They will look to adults for models of how to react, and to help them understand the event. Families and school personnel can support children by establishing a sense of safety and security, helping children to process their thoughts and feelings, and placing the event in the proper context. Additional tips include:

  • Provide accurate reassurances regarding the possibility of terrorism in their community.
  • Return to normalcy and routine to the extent possible while maintaining flexibility.
  • Let children know it’s okay to have many different feelings and there is no one right way to respond.
  • Be a good listener and observer
  • Monitor and limit exposure to media, including social media and other Internet sites
  • Provide ways for children to express emotion, such as journaling, writing letters, talking, art, or music
  • Focus on resiliency as well as the compassion of others
  • Identify the various ways in which people are helping; emphasize the ability to do good

A natural reaction to acts of extreme violence is the desire to lash out and punish the perpetrators or perceived enemy. People who are angry or frightened often feel the ability to “fight back” puts them more in control or will alleviate their sense of outrage. While anger is a normal response, we should not compound an already tragic situation and react against innocent individuals with vengeance and harassment. There is a tremendous risk of unfairly stigmatizing people who are perceived to resemble the perpetrators because of their race, language, religion, or the way they dress.

Children, in particular, may have difficulty channeling their feelings appropriately and they can easily pick up negative or demeaning cues given by adults around them. Given the diversity of America’s schools, some students may become targets of hostility and blame. Bullying and harassment are never acceptable but they can be particularly damaging when certain students or segments of society feel especially vulnerable. Families and school personnel need to be prepared to prevent and to intervene quickly and effectively in the presence of abusive behaviors toward any students. Such behaviors can only further contribute to the risk of violence in schools and communities.

Adults can help children understand the importance of treating all people with dignity and not judging entire groups of people for the actions of a few. Most importantly, adults must model compassion and acceptance of differences in their words and behavior. They can encourage children to explore their feelings about prejudice and hate. Doing so is not only critical to preventing further harm, but the process presents a potentially powerful opportunity for our youth to learn and to incorporate into their values the true strength of our country—our commitment to individual freedom and upholding the respect and dignity of all people.

How I learned determination

A small item in the February 16, 2015, issue of Time reported, “Your hands and feet dominate your feeling of overall thermal comfort, so stock up on the gloves and boot liners.” I was instantly transported to memories of Aunt Helen, who died in 1982 at the age of 88. Unschooled, but wise and practical, she would badger us with country wisdom, including the admonition, “Put socks on. When yer feet’s cold, yer cold all over.” She was way ahead of Time.

She was my aunt through marriage, but, thanks to the fertility of my grandmother, who continued to produce babies while her oldest sons were marrying, Aunt Helen was easily old enough to be my grandmother. In my eyes, though, she was ageless. Her gray hair clearly made her ancient. Yet, she eagerly maneuvered with me through barbed wire to explore the neighbor’s cow pastures behind the house, or hiked long miles through the woods beyond Swedesford Road to spend stifling afternoons having picnics at the county park, activities for which my frazzled, diaper- and Pablum-immersed mother could never muster the energy. When my aunt was not catering to my schemes, she ran the family service station, scurrying out in her flowered house dress and red Keds to pump gas into customers’ tanks long before women officially wrestled out their rights to perform “men’s” jobs.

Aunt Helen was vibrant and sassy, and certainly no saint. To the family’s frequent frustration, she was stubborn, single-minded to a fault, and an on-again-off-again alcoholic. But what I learned from her during my summer vacations, as I scrambled to keep up on the daily three mile hikes to the gas station, sweat streaming down my skinny legs, is that accomplishment comes in the doing, not the planning or hoping. I saw the way she named her goal, then tucked her chin and plowed forward like a linebacker, elbowing each obstacle out of her way, moving on, no matter what. That’s one thing I learned from her. That’s what got me through graduate school. Thank you, Aunt Helen.

Family Matters

Mothers’ Day. Fathers’ Day. Fourth of July reunions. These summer celebrations stir up childhood memories–some wonderful, some not so good. This stirring up can lead to altercations, depressive episodes, and the resurfacing of old accusations. Add alcohol, and some family gatherings end up in fistfights and arrests. Many, many people have pasts filled with hurt, but harboring anger, no matter how justified, is not the best strategy.

The most resilient among us have found ways to forgive the past and celebrate the present. That doesn’t mean they’ve said “That’s all right” to any traumatic experiences. It doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten or that they’ve shoved their feelings into a locked box. Real forgiveness cannot occur in such situations because the traumatized individual continues to feel victimized and weak.

Forgiveness comes from a position of power within, and it is a privilege to witness this spiritual and psychological muscle develop in those I work with. Some have re-established relationships with their formerly abusive parents, even to the point of becoming caregivers. Others have assertively set boundaries or completely cut contact with family members who continue to trigger hurtful memories or even persist in inflicting pain. Any of these choices can be the right one.

These paths signify forgiveness in that the message given is “I have moved on. I will not have my life controlled any longer by old memories or negative emotions. I am no longer consumed by anger or fear or hurt. I no longer harbor the toxins of grudges, ill-will, and vengeance.”  The compulsion to waste precious energy on spewing venom or wishing the worst toward old abusers is gone, which is forgiveness. And the release of that negativity is a terrific gift to give ourselves.

 

 

 

True Wealth

During a recent session with a client, we covered an array of topics from changes in scientific thinking about consciousness, to global disease, to what it takes to be content in life. The discussion took me back to my days as an intern.

It was a financial struggle to provide for myself and my daughter on an intern’s salary, but we had found a small cottage to rent for a very reasonable price. It sat on a dead end street at the edge of the woods on a two acre field. I would often take my cup of coffee to my lounge chair on the porch and enjoy the songs of birds and the dance of the sun on the grass through the leaves of the large maple. Each morning the thought would occur to me that the richest person in the world could not feel more content than I did at that very moment.

Eventually, my client and I proposed that a rich person who wants even more than he has will never feel rich enough, and a person who has contentment will feel wealthy regardless of the size of his bank account. These ideas are not new or profound, perhaps, but I am grateful to my wonderful client for helping me recall that sometimes a good cup of coffee and a lounge chair on the porch are all you need to feel wealthy.