Author Archives: dsgablephd@live.com

About dsgablephd@live.com

Licensed Psychologist for over 16 years. Ph.D. from the University of Tennessee.

How I learned about Hypnotherapy

I had heard about hypnotherapy, but my very conservative upbringing labeled it as “mind-control,” “dangerous,” or, worse, “a tool of the devil.” I knew it had been used successfully by early European psychologists and psychiatrists for years, but I wanted no part of it.

Until my senior year in college.

Around the time I was wrapping up my bachelor’s degree in psychology, I met a student who belonged to a group researching telekinesis–:the ability to change objects with mental power. He showed me a handful of forks and spoons that curled onto themselves like snails. He claimed that he had witnessed these objects being bent by thought alone. He begged me to join the research, insisting that he sensed the same power within me. I refused. That was too far out there, too scary, for me to even consider it.

A month later I was offered the opportunity to take a graduate level class in hypnotherapy from a therapist trained in Europe. Normally, I would have headed in the other direction, but the “mind-bending” student had triggered my curiosity about the power of the mind. I signed up for the 6-hour-per-day, weekly summer class.

It was an immersion class of 24 students in which we participated in group meditation, or took turns being the hypnotherapist and the subject. From the very first class, I began to embrace the tools and feel the benefits of hypnotherapy. Regulated breathing, meditation, and guided visualization quickly led to easy control of anxiety and worry. It enhanced my sense of connection to others. Through symbolic images and retrieved experiences, it clarified my decisions, released old hurts, and guided my next steps.

But when the class ended, I put that knowledge aside. I continued my doctoral training, learning conventional therapy techniques and popular psychological theories. Then, several years ago, I was moved to return to my study of hypnotherapy, meditation, and spirituality. I took courses and attended seminars that taught the skills and described the rapid results of hypnotherapy for anxiety management, smoking cessation, physical healing, and trauma resolution. I knew I had to share these benefits with my clients.

Almost half of my practice now is hypnotherapy to address a broad spectrum of problems. My studies continued and expanded. I now offer meditation and visualization to allow spirit connection. I have completed classes in past life regression, and my clients who have accessed past lives have found closure, experienced peace, and achieved greater understanding of their life choices. My studies continue in this amazing field.

I am continually grateful to that spoon-bending fellow who challenged me to think with an open mind. I still don’t know if telekinesis is real. But hypnotherapy has proven itself to me and my clients over and over again.

CREATING CONNECTION

“I am so lonely,” many clients tell me. “I have no one.” “No one cares about me.” My heart goes out to them, because loneliness is a major cause of depression. It brings down self-esteem, reduces motivation, and contributes to a sense of hopelessness.

In fact, hopelessness has become so embedded in their outlook, that they respond to suggestions with, “I can’t,” or “That won’t work for me.”

What I have discovered is that, if we truly want something, we must put some energy toward that goal. It falls on the individual who wants companionship to put forth at least the initial effort. That includes finding a friend group or creating a social network.

We can find friends by searching out book clubs or exercise classes or volunteer groups. Whatever our interests are, there are probably groups of people getting together to do that very thing. It may take every ounce of courage we have to get to that first meeting, and then to come back again and again. It may take three or four meetings before we feel comfortable, but it will come eventually.

Alternatively, we can create a friend group from scratch. When I first moved to the Midwest to complete an internship, I had no one. I was estranged from my family back East, and I knew no one in my new town. I felt very displaced. I had met a few people at the internship, but I spent the weekends alone and lonely.

After a few weeks, I decided to do something about it. I invited a few co-workers, virtual strangers, to my home for a casual evening. I asked each one to bring a food item to share and a person or two I didn’t know. I ended up with eight guests for that first evening. I collected the phone numbers from the new acquaintances and, a month later, I called everyone with another invitation and instructions to bring a food item and someone I didn’t know.

After about six months, I had 80 people on my guest list. That was 15 years ago. Most didn’t become close friends, but many did, and some are still good friends today.

We can’t all do what I did, but we can all take the initiative to reach out. We can start a monthly potluck, a weekly card or dessert club, a daily walking group, a coffee break clan for ourselves and the other isolated people around us. There is a way to end loneliness if we can take a risk and put ourselves out there. It’s important for our mental health.

More on Hypnotherapy

I have written previously about the healing power of hypnotherapy regarding smoking cessation, post-surgery recouperation, and anxiety reduction. However, I have not touched on the spiritual growth that I have seen. These cases have been, perhaps, the most amazing of all. In fact, they are so transformative that I am moving more and more toward focusing my practice in this direction.

One example was a client who was extremely depressed. Let’s call her Dianne. She felt completely alienated from God. Completely rejected. I cannot say which came first, but the more depressed she felt, the more alienated she felt, and the more alienated, the more depressed. She spent much of her time crying, she was mean-spirited toward others, and she had little motivation and no energy to accomplish anything. In fact, she missed many of her therapy appointments because she couldn’t get out of bed and get dressed.

We explored many treatment modalities, and as a last resort, she agreed to hypnotherapy. The prospect of hypnotherapy had made her a little nervous, but, when nothing else worked, she hesitantly agreed. She entered a meditative state rather quickly. I guided her to approach the deepest part of her psyche and say a prayer asking for God to love and accept her. I did not pray for her or over her. Beyond helping her reach a trance state, I did not interfere. It was important that she approach her own image of God in her own way.

I always support whatever beliefs a client brings into the session. Most are Judeo-Christian, but I have worked with practitioners of Buddhism, Hinduism, earth religions, Celtic religions, and Native American beliefs, among others.

At first during hypnosis, Diane felt rebuffed, but when she realized that it was her own feelings of unworthiness that were getting in her way, she tried again. This time, she felt herself lifted up by God. Hugged. Held within his arms. Tears of joy streamed down her face as she left the trance state, and she could barely speak through her emotions.

She left my office feeling loved, loving, and loveable. It was not a “magic” cure. Diane continued to struggle against her maladaptive behaviors, but now she had the energy to work on them. She felt changed by the experience. And her changes touched me and others who knew her. Thank you, Diane.

Listen

Years ago, a client gave me a worry stone inscribed with the word, “Listen.” I thought it was an admonishment, and felt a lurch of guilt. But she quickly said, “I chose this because this is what you do. You really listen to what I say.”

But the fact is, listening, true listening, is very hard. It requires putting aside your own ego, your preconceived assumptions, and hearing what is said. Try as I might, I find it impossible to do this right every time. But we can catch ourselves when we go off track, and return to hearing what our comrade, whether it’s a friend, a client, or a partner, is actually telling us.

Some of us are born problem-solvers. As soon as someone relates a problem, we are right there with a dozen solutions. If only they would just do what we say! Even when we batter them with all the reasons we are right, they are just too stubborn to take our advice! They get mad when all we want to do is help.

This is one of the most common complaints I hear about communication among couples or family members. “Every time I talk about something that happened at (fill in the blank), my partner jumps right in and tells me what I am doing wrong. How I can manage it better. What I should have done instead. All I want is for them to hear me. Just be there and support me.” Rarely does the person venting want advice unless they specifically ask for it.” Instant advice sounds like we are dismissing their concerns. Or denying their ability to manage the issue on their own.

The best support we can offer is to provide consensus, to acknowledge their distress. Saying, “I hear you.” “I can tell this upsets you.” “I understand.” “This sounds very frustrating for you,” may be all they need. A hug, a pat on the shoulder, sitting together quietly, may suffice. And if they want suggestions later, they will ask. Otherwise, if we truly want to keep the relationship solid, we need to keep our fantastic solutions to ourselves, no matter how brilliant we are.

THE AFTERMATH OF A RELATIONSHIP

When someone we love ends the relationship, we are cut to the heart. We are emptied out of joy, filled with pain, and robbed of the future we had planned. Often, we respond by pressuring the partner to return. Or by seeking revenge. Or by replaying and replaying the last times together as though we can make them turn out differently. We lash out in anger, or we crumble onto the couch and sink into despair.

This is grieving. The end of the relationship is a kind of death, and the grief is real and appropriate. But almost no relationships are true failures, and, as the acute phase passes, we can learn from even the worst of them. We know what red flags to look for, what we need from a partner, and what characteristics we will never be able to tolerate.

But to truly grow, let us look in the mirror. I have worked with clients, both men and women, who have said, “I want to work on myself now.” When I ask how they will do that, or what that means, they don’t know. Or they begin a list of the ex-partner’s faults, or they plot ways to get back to, or back at, the ex. This may give them immediate pleasure, but it does nothing to help in the long run.

Over the years, based on what my clients tell me, I have put together this list of questions that helps to develop insight:

  1. Did I really listen to my partner? Not just hear words, but listen to the feelings beneath the words. Did I try to grasp the depth of my partner’s feelings about this?
  2. Did I ever compromise? Was I willing to go out of my comfort zone for the sake of my partner? Was I willing to give in when something was just too uncomfortable for them?
  3. Did I tend to fuel conflicts? Did I insist on standing my ground when a Time Out or a kind word could have ended the conflict? Could I have done anything differently even before the argument started?
  4. Do I have any regrets about how I handled this or that incident? Having not a single regret means that we are unable to acknowledge our part in the conflicts. Without acknowledgement, there can be no growth.

Actually, it isn’t necessary to wait until a break-up to ask ourselves these questions. I find it helpful to check-in with ourselves periodically so that our current relationships remain healthy and we continually grow our emotional IQ. Good friends and partners will be drawn to good friends and partners. That is how it works.

In future posts, I will talk further about what I have learned on each of these topics and how to use them as a starting point for growth.

Family Tapestries

I just finished reading The Art of Mending by Elizabeth Berg. I find that novels often tell the truth in a way that textbooks can’t. What I liked about this story was the way it demonstrated the fact that no two of us are raised in the same family–even siblings. Ms. Berg’s novel centers around the vastly different perspectives that a brother and two sisters have on the atmosphere of their childhood home. The book takes the reader down an uncertain path, a guessing game of which sibling is telling the truth, to the final pages of, not just a revelation, but a healing and cleansing. I am deliberately vague here, because I encourage those who are drawn to stories of family dynamics to read this novel without any spoilers.

The novel recalled for me the concept of “the looking-glass self,” a term coined by social psychologist Charles Horton Cooley in 1902. The theory proposes that we shape our self-concepts based on how we think we are perceived by others–especially family members. If we are labeled (especially by a parent) as “the shy one,” “the fussy one,” “the brainy one,” “the plump one,”  “the athletic one,” the pretty one”, then our role in the family is far different from that of our siblings, and, therefore, our family experience is different. Worse, we are likely to buy into those labels and put ourselves in boxes for years. But only if we allow that to happen.

It is exciting to see clients who had come into my office with such low opinions of themselves that they couldn’t even look me in the eye begin to build positive self-images, to discover gifts and talents and psychological muscle. It is not an easy process, or a quick one, but step by step the client grows toward the sun. Like the recluse who became a social leader, the frightened abuse survivor who became a spokeswoman, the slow learner who enrolled in college, the addict who earned a graduate degree. Everyone of these and many more came into the office with a negative label. Everyone of them found the courage to toss it away.

Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who Do We Appreciate?

I’ve worked with many couples and families as they struggled through discontent, misunderstandings, and outright breaches of trust. Some are able to reconnect, while others have built walls so high they can’t ever see eye-to-eye. One thing I’ve observed within successful couples and families is appreciation for each other.

I’m working now with a young couple facing financial difficulties. Admittedly, money problems lay the groundwork for major battles. But what pours gasoline on the fire for this family is their style of interaction, which vacillates between heated accusations and cold-shoulder silence. When I challenge them to mention something positive about each other, the response may start out well, but quickly dissolves into an insult. Perhaps we all have a tendency to do this to a lesser degree with those closest to us. For example, “I’m glad you cleaned out the garage, but it took you long enough to get to it.” “Thanks for vacuuming, but you missed a spot.”

Even worse are the couples who say, “Why should I thank him/her for (fill in blank)? It’s his/her job. I shouldn’t have to say thanks.” That kind of thinking reminds me of the quote from that old movie Love Story. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” NO. Love means that it’s even more important to say Sorry. And Thank you. And to express your appreciation for each other many times a day.

Everything is fodder for an appreciative comment: Thank you for making the bed everyday. That color brings out your eyes. Supper was delicious. That outfit looks terrific on you. You had a long day at work–why don’t you rest a few minutes? Thanks for keeping the bird feeders full. I admire your ability to organize. You’re so good at (fill in the blank).

Instead of assuming that the hamper, the coffee maker, the refrigerator and stove, the lawn mower, the bank account, the trash can are all magic, let’s be more aware of what our family members contribute. Make sure they know we notice. Remember, and remark on, the characteristics that attracted us to our spouses initially. (Our close friends, too, actually.) When we do this, we’re creating a relationship foundation strong enough to weather just about any storm.

 

 

On Bullying

Recently on Facebook ads, I’ve been badgered with pleas to purchase a tool called “How to Teach Your Children Not to Be Bullies, and How to Teach Them to Not Just Stand By and Watch.” I’m certain that isn’t the verbatim title, but you get the gist. My immediate thought is that the most effective way to teach our children about bullying is by the way we respond to bullies. If we applaud them, our children will. If we turn away when the weak and vulnerable are being taken advantage of or maligned or mistreated, that’s what our children will see as the appropriate response. Kids are not stupid. They won’t believe what a person says if they see him or her doing something different. If we want our children to be kind and merciful and considerate, or, at the least, tolerant, then we must be also.

It has been disturbing to see that bullying was such an intrinsic part of the recent presidential campaign. Have we proven to the youngest generation that bullying is the path to enormous power? I hope not. Let us hope, instead, that, as the dust settles, we will see that goodness, kindness, and cooperation are what makes a nation great. Everyone of us has a chance to be a part of that movement.

1925. The Tri-State Tornado

img_0200

I have been researching the 1925 record-breaking tornado that leveled numerous small towns and killed over 600 people across Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana. That tornado still holds the record for death toll, time on the ground, and distance traveled. One factor that contributed to the terror felt by the communities was that there was no warning except for the dark clouds they noted in the southwest. No time to get to safety. Weather services were not equipped to predict the path of tornadoes  at that time. In fact, tornadoes were so unpredictable that weather services were not permitted to use that term because of the panic it might incite.

My interest in this storm was piqued by having had the privilege of talking to several survivors at one of the nursing facilities where I am a consultant. The stories of loss are heartbreaking, but the determination and courage shown by the survivors is inspiring. It is difficult to imagine losing every possession, one’s home, or several children within a matter of minutes. Many of the victims were trapped in basements, crushed beneath heavy objects, burned to death as coal stoves fell and timbers ignited. Clean-up included, not just pulling the rubble aside and rebuilding, but also searching for and identifying the bodies of loved ones, binding the wounds of the injured.

I am writing a work of fiction based on the experiences I’ve heard or read about relating to that tragic event. I hope to show the depth and extent of the devastation felt in the communities. But my focus will be on the way the destruction may have changed the survivors, and on their ability to find the will to mend and move forward.

 

 

Kudos to Blue Bloods

How insightful for the most recent episode of the TV show Blue Bloods to include a situation that is so relevant to our mental health system. One of the storylines focused on a dangerously disturbed young man who was refused hospitalization because he “didn’t meet the criteria.” He then attacked his ex-girlfriend and killed her. Yes, this was entertainment. Just a TV show. But it was such an accurate depiction of what often happens when someone presents at the ER, that I applaud the writers for being astute enough to bring this to public attention.