When someone we love ends the relationship, we are cut to the heart. We are emptied out of joy, filled with pain, and robbed of the future we had planned. Often, we respond by pressuring the partner to return. Or by seeking revenge. Or by replaying and replaying the last times together as though we can make them turn out differently. We lash out in anger, or we crumble onto the couch and sink into despair.

This is grieving. The end of the relationship is a kind of death, and the grief is real and appropriate. But almost no relationships are true failures, and, as the acute phase passes, we can learn from even the worst of them. We know what red flags to look for, what we need from a partner, and what characteristics we will never be able to tolerate.

But to truly grow, let us look in the mirror. I have worked with clients, both men and women, who have said, “I want to work on myself now.” When I ask how they will do that, or what that means, they don’t know. Or they begin a list of the ex-partner’s faults, or they plot ways to get back to, or back at, the ex. This may give them immediate pleasure, but it does nothing to help in the long run.

Over the years, based on what my clients tell me, I have put together this list of questions that helps to develop insight:

1. Did I really listen to my partner? Not just hear words, but listen to the feelings beneath the words. Did I try to grasp the depth of my partner’s feelings about this?
2. Did I ever compromise? Was I willing to go out of my comfort zone for the sake of my partner? Was I willing to give in when something was just too uncomfortable for them?
3. Did I tend to fuel conflicts? Did I insist on standing my ground when a Time Out or a kind word could have ended the conflict? Could I have done anything differently even before the argument started?
4. Do I have any regrets about how I handled this or that incident? Having not a single regret means that we are unable to acknowledge our part in the conflicts. Without acknowledgement, there can be no growth.

Actually, it isn’t necessary to wait until a break-up to ask ourselves these questions. I find it helpful to check-in with ourselves periodically so that our current relationships remain healthy and we continually grow our emotional IQ. Good friends and partners will be drawn to good friends and partners. That is how it works.

In future posts, I will talk further about what I have learned on each of these topics and how to use them as a starting point for growth.