Mothers’ Day. Fathers’ Day. Fourth of July reunions. These summer celebrations stir up childhood memories–some wonderful, some not so good. This stirring up can lead to altercations, depressive episodes, and the resurfacing of old accusations. Add alcohol, and some family gatherings end up in fistfights and arrests. Many, many people have pasts filled with hurt, but harboring anger, no matter how justified, is not the best strategy.

The most resilient among us have found ways to forgive the past and celebrate the present. That doesn’t mean they’ve said “That’s all right” to any traumatic experiences. It doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten or that they’ve shoved their feelings into a locked box. Real forgiveness cannot occur in such situations because the traumatized individual continues to feel victimized and weak.

Forgiveness comes from a position of power within, and it is a privilege to witness this spiritual and psychological muscle develop in those I work with. Some have re-established relationships with their formerly abusive parents, even to the point of becoming caregivers. Others have assertively set boundaries or completely cut contact with family members who continue to trigger hurtful memories or even persist in inflicting pain. Any of these choices can be the right one.

These paths signify forgiveness in that the message given is “I have moved on. I will not have my life controlled any longer by old memories or negative emotions. I am no longer consumed by anger or fear or hurt. I no longer harbor the toxins of grudges, ill-will, and vengeance.”  The compulsion to waste precious energy on spewing venom or wishing the worst toward old abusers is gone, which is forgiveness. And the release of that negativity is a terrific gift to give ourselves.